The Bodymind Transformation Institute®
Bend, OR., and Mesa, AZ., USA

©Mark McFeely, 2005

Home Page Feed-back

 

"JUST LOOKING"

by Mark McFeely. ©1993.


On my way to the dentist, on the London Underground Railway, I was amusing myself by looking at everyone on the train, trying to make eye contact, which is a very rare achievement in London. I have always prided myself on being open, but on that particular day, on both outward and return journeys, my bluff was called.

One young woman (20's) returned my gaze, and held it for longer than I felt comfortable with. Using the advertisements as a means of keeping control of the situation, I stole a few quick glances in her direction to find her quite definitely looking at me. I had her total attention, which was a lot more uncomfortable than I had anticipated. I began to make observations (judgments) about her, continuing to use the ads as a hiding place, while I thought. She had a strange look about her. A sign of some vague mental or emotional disorder. In fact, I thought her demeanor was that of someone who had been institutionalized. For example, the kind of girl that convents take in to do cleaning, etc., in return for their keep. Notice how easy it is to dismiss or invalidate.

At my destination, I got off the train with a sigh of relief, and headed for the elevator. That wait seemed to be eternal, as this young woman arrived and stood next to me, and I could feel her looking at me. This continued in the elevator. The relief at reaching the street was almost overpowering. The short walk to the dentist's office gave me enough time to re-compose myself.

On the return journey, as I got on the train, a beautiful young woman looked straight at me, and her gaze followed me to my seat about 10 feet behind her. Several times during the short journey she turned around and looked directly at me. At first I found myself looking everywhere but at her. As my confidence grew, I began to return her gaze, but it was more of a stand-off stare than an acknowledgment of her. It was a real shock to me to realize that I found it so difficult to be at the receiving end of a 'look'.

When I changed trains, she also got off. I hastily made for the appropriate platform, not daring to look around until I got there and found a safe place to stand. I was so relieved that she had not followed. But my greatest surprise was that I was not ready for the intimacy and openness that I always thought I wanted.

The remainder of my journey was uneventful, other than that I was totally absorbed in fantasy. Posing questions and going back to the last incident. She was a beautiful woman. What was my fear? Why couldn't I have smiled at her, and even spoken to her.? Perhaps we could have gone to a coffee shop for a chat, or to her place, or mine. What would my partner, Jenny, say if I brought her home, and said: 'Look who I met on the train'. What would she think ? If we had gone to a coffee shop, and met some friends, what would they think ? The intimidation is subtle, and at the same time, very powerful. It has been so much easier, and safer to keep to myself.

I know that I do want a greater intimacy, but I had never looked at what that would mean in practical, day to day terms. That trip to the dentist put me in touch with the fact that we so often decide that we want to change things in our lives, but don't look at what we have to do to make those changes happen. My desire for change is a start, but a movement has to follow for the change to become a reality.

I am aware of the importance of ending the judgment and criticism of others, before I can experience any real intimacy. Those are just old ways of justifying and maintaining separation. I am now willing to own my feelings and move through the discomfort that has prevented me from being the intimate, available person I have always wanted to be.

P.S. When I got home, I noticed that I had white dental plaster around my mouth. I had to laugh when I realized that this was probably what had caught the girl’s attention. You know the feeling when you've been out all day, smiling and chatting with everyone, and when you get home you notice a little bit of spinach on your front teeth that you know has been there since lunch-time.





Contact information:

Mark McFeely
The Bodymind Transformation Institute®

Tel: 602-885-8008.

Click here to E-mail Mark McFeely


Home Page

Click here for more information

Mother/Child healing connection

Heal my disbelief

Say No to Death!

Normal or Healthy - What's your choice? 

 Unfinished Business

Modern Meds = New World Religion

Just Looking

Live to Live, or Live to Die?

Fireman's story

Dying for Love

The car of his dreams

Safe Male

 


Please read this disclaimer:

Mark McFeely is a metaphysical healer, not a medical practitioner. He does not directly, or indirectly dispense medical advice, diagnose, or prescribe. He offers information based on his own opinions, experiences, and personal preferences. The information, ideas, theories, philosophies and opinions offered, whether verbal, written or implied, are intended to be solely informational and educational.

If you have any questions about your personal health and well being, you are advised to consult a qualified medical practitioner.

©Mark McFeely, 2005
Bodymind Transformation®, and The Bodymind Transformation Institute
®
are registered trade marks, property of Mark McFeely since 1992.

Click here for more information

Mother/Child healing connection

Heal my disbelief

Say No to Death!

Normal or Healthy - What's your choice? 

 Unfinished Business

Modern Meds = New World Religion

Just Looking

Live to Live, or Live to Die?

Fireman's story

Dying for Love

The car of his dreams

Safe Male