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"JUST LOOKING"
by Mark McFeely. ©1993.
On my way to the dentist, on the London Underground Railway, I was amusing
myself by looking at everyone on the train, trying to make eye contact,
which is a very rare achievement in London. I have always prided myself
on being open, but on that particular day, on both outward and return
journeys, my bluff was called.
One young woman (20's) returned my gaze, and held it for longer than I
felt comfortable with. Using the advertisements as a means of keeping
control of the situation, I stole a few quick glances in her direction
to find her quite definitely looking at me. I had her total attention,
which was a lot more uncomfortable than I had anticipated. I began to
make observations (judgments) about her, continuing to use the ads as
a hiding place, while I thought. She had a strange look about her. A sign
of some vague mental or emotional disorder. In fact, I thought her demeanor
was that of someone who had been institutionalized. For example, the kind
of girl that convents take in to do cleaning, etc., in return for their
keep. Notice how easy it is to dismiss or invalidate.
At my destination, I got off the train with a sigh of relief, and headed
for the elevator. That wait seemed to be eternal, as this young woman
arrived and stood next to me, and I could feel her looking at me. This
continued in the elevator. The relief at reaching the street was almost
overpowering. The short walk to the dentist's office gave me enough time
to re-compose myself.
On the return journey, as I got on the train, a beautiful young woman
looked straight at me, and her gaze followed me to my seat about 10 feet
behind her. Several times during the short journey she turned around and
looked directly at me. At first I found myself looking everywhere but
at her. As my confidence grew, I began to return her gaze, but it was
more of a stand-off stare than an acknowledgment of her. It was a real
shock to me to realize that I found it so difficult to be at the receiving
end of a 'look'.
When I changed trains, she also got off. I hastily made for the appropriate
platform, not daring to look around until I got there and found a safe
place to stand. I was so relieved that she had not followed. But my greatest
surprise was that I was not ready for the intimacy and openness that I
always thought I wanted.
The remainder of my journey was uneventful, other than that I was totally
absorbed in fantasy. Posing questions and going back to the last incident.
She was a beautiful woman. What was my fear? Why couldn't I have smiled
at her, and even spoken to her.? Perhaps we could have gone to a coffee
shop for a chat, or to her place, or mine. What would my partner, Jenny,
say if I brought her home, and said: 'Look who I met on the train'. What
would she think ? If we had gone to a coffee shop, and met some friends,
what would they think ? The intimidation is subtle, and at the same time,
very powerful. It has been so much easier, and safer to keep to myself.
I know that I do want a greater intimacy, but I had never looked at what
that would mean in practical, day to day terms. That trip to the dentist
put me in touch with the fact that we so often decide that we want to
change things in our lives, but don't look at what we have to do to make
those changes happen. My desire for change is a start, but a movement
has to follow for the change to become a reality.
I am aware of the importance of ending the judgment and criticism of others,
before I can experience any real intimacy. Those are just old ways of
justifying and maintaining separation. I am now willing to own my feelings
and move through the discomfort that has prevented me from being the intimate,
available person I have always wanted to be.
P.S. When I got home, I noticed that I had white dental
plaster around my mouth. I had to laugh when I realized that this was
probably what had caught the girl’s attention. You know the feeling
when you've been out all day, smiling and chatting with everyone, and
when you get home you notice a little bit of spinach on your front teeth
that you know has been there since lunch-time.
Contact
information:
Mark McFeely
The Bodymind Transformation Institute®
Sedona,
Arizona, USA
Tel:
(928) 204-0036
Click
here to E-mail Mark McFeely
Home Page
Click
here for more information
Mother/Child
healing connection
Heal
my disbelief
Say
No to Death!
Normal
or Healthy - What's your choice?
Unfinished
Business
Modern
Meds = New World Religion
Just
Looking
Live
to Live, or Live to Die?
Fireman's
story
Dying
for Love
The
car of his dreams
Safe
Male
Please
read this disclaimer:
Mark
McFeely is a metaphysical healer, not a medical practitioner.
He does not directly, or indirectly dispense medical advice, diagnose,
or prescribe. He offers information based on his own opinions, experiences,
and personal preferences. The information, ideas, theories, philosophies
and opinions offered, whether verbal, written or implied, are intended
to be solely informational and educational.
If you have any questions about your personal health and well being, you
are advised to consult a qualified medical practitioner.
©Mark
McFeely, 2005
Bodymind Transformation®, and The Bodymind Transformation
Institute®
are registered trade marks, property
of Mark McFeely since 1992.
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Click
here for more information
Mother/Child
healing connection
Heal
my disbelief
Say
No to Death!
Normal
or Healthy - What's your choice?
Unfinished
Business
Modern
Meds = New World Religion
Just
Looking
Live
to Live, or Live to Die?
Fireman's
story
Dying
for Love
The
car of his dreams
Safe
Male
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